no offense, but fuck your birthday.

item 1: welcome back from the intoxicating break from reality known as christmas & new years.
item 2: bunker hill students, i hope you missed me as much as i missed you!
item 3: yes, i watched that video of zooey deschanel & joseph gordon levitt singing about new years and generally being great pals. yes, i want to kill myself. and yes, SHE STILL SUCKS.
item 4: your birthday hype is dumb.

yes you, 27 year old wearing a sash and tiara that proclaim "BIRTHDAY GIRL" in glitter that is shedding all over the bar and other people's drinks.

yes you, 32 year old who has dragged your friends, family, co-workers, and other acquaintances out for a week long affair of dinners and toasts and cupcakes and other horse shit.

yes you, freshly turned 19 year old who rents a limo and scoots the border over to canada so she can get fondled by dj anthony at rumors nightclub and throw up a long island iced tea all over the homeland security officer on the way back. (oops, that one got a little hometown. BUFFALOVE.)

i want to preface this by saying that i am not an overly sour person. i had a healthy childhood, there is no tragic event associated with my birthday, and i am not claiming to be the authority on how everyone should go about celebratory business. HOWEVER, i am drawing a line in the sand on the multi-day birthday bonanza. and here's why.

your birthday isn't an accomplishment. the only thing you did to earn your birthday was not die for another 365 days. but everyone should have a day where they feel special. so ok. have your day. one day. singular. uno. 2 minus 1.

but there are these people who exist across many generations that can't have one party. they need to have dinner with the besties, drinks with co-workers, a family celebration, a party at a hip venue, a night out with just the significant other, a day for the presents, and then a day for pampering and "me time." why? because you finished a marathon? cured cancer? got a promotion at work? no. you aged. you are closer to death. and furthermore, the odds are high that you've been this vain for a long time, and i, as one of those friends/co-workers/family members have been saving my money for the past 360 days since your last tour-de-france length celebration. COME ON.

lets put this in perspective with the western, monotheistic world. this subset of the global population is really proud of one dude: jesus. i'm nowhere near religious, but all in all, we westerners think he was cool. he helped his neighbors, was a handy carpenter, and was epically quotable.  so how do we celebrate his birthday? by going to mass for (maybe) 2 hours and then spending the rest of the day/night giving everybody BUT the birthday boy gifts and stuffing our faces. so if we're not going to go on a celebration-palooza for jc, why are we going on one for that chick from work who has too big of an ego?

again, everyone should have a day where they feel happy & loved. i completely support the notion of telling those you love how much you love them on special days. but i don't support beating the dead horse that is your birthday into the ground for upward of five days because you have nothing else to celebrate. refocus that energy on something else, and let us poor (fiscally and emotionally) souls not have to break into a third round of the world's most un-harmonious song. at least for 363 more days.